Female aggression
I have over the years whilst teaching self defense come across various situations whereby I’d been asked to teach women how to successfully defend themselves. It really is a difficult and delicate subject matter to handle. If the woman has succumbed to an aggression or maybe more than often an abusive relationship it really is difficult to teach them how to confront certain realities.
Let’s be honest. Firstly, what qualifies me to help? Is a martial art the answer? Sometimes I’ve even been insulted because I tried suggesting psychological assistance.
I feel another fallacy is that of falling trap to watching certain movies whereby you see the woman become a female Rambo and basically trains and builds her body in such a way that she eventually seeks revenge and annihilates the ex. So let’s try and keep it real. I will eventually come to the discussion of learning a self defense. But we need to look at more important matters first.
Ok now I wish to express that personally, I have some understanding of what it feels like to tolerate abusive behavior over a long period of time. I don’t feel like expressing about my personal life or details but I can assure you that in my own way I know what it’s like to live with abuse on several levels. Nevertheless I don’t want to compare whether my experiences are more or less worse than someone else’s. Furthermore I have a profound hate towards this type of behavior.
So much so that I can probably say that my past experiences has formed me into who I am today, and the downside of all my years of dedication towards the martial arts and developing good combat skills risked degenerating and becoming that which I had loathed.
So having said all this, I wish to say to any female reader (or actually anybody)who may have suffered some tormenting ordeal that is beyond the pain and anguish anyone could ever imagine, to take the time to reflect profoundly on how to take action.
The most important step is to look at yourself and well being, look at how you are reacting socially and with the people who care about you. It certainly doesn’t help when you are reliving personal demons and nightmares and you can’t free yourself from past events. Look at how you are treating yourself, many people fall into self destructive behavior and they don’t even realize the harm they are doing to themselves and to those that care for them.
Solutions?
There is always a solution and I don’t think I have enough answers to help you completely but let’s start with a few…
A good friend never fails and that can include a member of the family. Somebody who has the patience to listen to you believe me helps to take away a lot of pain. Feeling that somebody understands and cares for you is probably one of the most healing effects a human can have. One of my best friends lives on the other side of the world and even a phone call during the hard times can help a lot. I believe that if you don’t know who to talk to most countries provide a free telephonic lifeline service. These people are qualified and they do help quite a lot. And for someone who doesn’t know what direction to take this could prove to a most effective first step.
Counseling?
Many people are afraid to go to counselors or psychologists; they have a fear of being viewed as mad. As much as we live in a modern society a lot of these taboos still exist and are frowned upon. I suggest looking into it, there are also counselors paid by the local government to help and assist people who cannot afford paying privately. Obviously I cannot talk about the health and mental welfare systems that are available around the world but I believe this type of assistance is available in most countries.
Make the first step
Take the first step, speak to professional people who deal with these matters daily, if you feel unsure about who to approach then talk to your local family doctor and ask for his or her advice.
Mental and physical trauma
Please consider that not everybody reacts the same, some people feel really helpless and weakened psychologically by certain events, and as I said, I can relate in part to what certain people are suffering. For some people it takes months and even years to get over certain events, depending on the trauma, some people never fully recover. I’m also very sorry to seem negative but I feel it’s important to face the reality of how the mind works and how dehydrating all this can be on an emotional and physical level.
Never give up
This is so important! Your life is worth it. You are worth it and you are no less than the next person. Your well being is fundamental to keep intact for the rest of your life. As sad as all this can seem to you, you may one day in the future have to be of help to someone else who may have had worse experiences than you. It is never easy to deal with ones problems when you are inundated with your own. But don’t you think fundamentally people need as much assistance, friendship, and a sense of feeling important in all walks of life? Are you aware of how many forms of abuse exists in different backgrounds, cultures and families? Never give up, I know that there are times there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel but you must be strong and take the necessary steps in assuring your well being and if the case that of your family.
The importance of you
There’s only one of you, and you’re the only person who can take action into helping yourself. Don’t be scared to reach out and ask for help, never be ashamed to hide away what has happened to you, there is nothing you cannot confront. You need to look at your life; maybe you have children, so ask yourself, how are they living this experience? How do you confront your life on a daily basis? Remember no matter how bad things can get there is always a way to find assistance. You owe it to yourself and those around you.
Police?
Some women never consider talking to the police forces, they are just too scared, plain and simple, and who knows who they are living with. Many times they are threatened with their lives if they dare ever exposing certain actions to the police forces. In fact many are scared to talk to their parents, friends or family members.
I guess it’s very easy for me to say report the situation, press charges, talk to the local police, and have him arrested. I understand also that for some family groups the event can seem very humiliating to the family name and personal image and there are many who live pretending everything is ok and all is well within the family unit.
It’s also easy to understand the conflict especially if you have children who nonetheless still love their father and want him close regardless of his abusive nature. Some people really believe in the saying ‘its better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know’
What can I say to all this? I honestly cannot offer a complete positive solution. I suggest honestly to speak to a psychologist who is sworn by law and to keep privacy of all that you tell him. At least the psychologist can take time to hear you out and possibly formulate safe options that can avoid a conflict and further stress within the household.
Furthermore if the psychologist has done his homework and has taken down notes of all the events, at the end of a certain period you can see and review all that you have said and then look at a plan of action. These notes I dare say in the future you could have photocopied and you could present them to a law enforcement officer.
Remember a psychologist assists and aids and helps you to recreate your life. His or her job lies in the ability for you to learn to help yourself. Also they have access to many contacts involved with social workers, government family care assistance and obviously if need be to help you take steps into pressing charges.
Self defense? Dealing with violence using violence?
This is the most difficult part to deal with. I have in my life been approached by women who were willing to pay me to bash their spouses or husbands, or be their bodyguard or pretend companion whilst they were going through a separation.
I have on more than one occasion refused.
There was a period in which I was paid (to protect) a professional person with a high image profile, to escort her to public events because she was being stalked by her ex abusive husband who believe it or not was a well known figure in the field of law and order. (Go figure)
As it’s easy for me to preach learn a self defense course, you need to get realistic. What do I mean? If you think you’re going to learn in a few weeks how to wreak havoc and revenge on your spouse then you’re reading the wrong information.
At this point I might as well say pay for a bodyguard, or some local thugs to beat the crap out of your spouse and keep it all confidential so you can make it look like an accident. Beat him with a club whilst he’s sleeping so you can assure that he’ll get at least 6 months of hospital. Cut his break cables, throw your hair dryer into the water whilst he’s having a bath, leave a suicide note and make it look like he couldn’t take it anymore.
All jokes aside, the problem is that violence against violence is never the answer and you know (as I know) that what you give out in life in some shape or form always comes back to you.
I would have to say that defense or reacting physically is always the last step, when you have no choice, or that you are put in an extreme situation whereby your life is at risk. Then I can understand responding violence with violence.
Who can help?
if you have looked at all the options including the ones I have mentioned in the first part of this article I would suggest looking for a martial arts teacher who has a lot of experience dealing and confronting aggressive situations. I feel experience is one of the best teachers. An experienced teacher will be honest with you, tell you what your limits are and also help you to put into perspective your capabilities. I strongly recommend avoiding teachers who will guarantee you to be a full blooded combat machine and promise you the ability to take out anyone within a few weeks. I know it sounds crazy but believe me there are a lot of people out there who make these sorts of promises.
A good martial arts teacher should be able to help you realize your potential and give you a realistic time period to obtain results.
A good martial arts teacher helps you to obtain more confidence in yourself by implementing programs which promote discipline, dedication, hard work and drives you to develop your potential.
A good martial arts teacher helps you understand yourself and your limits.
A good martial arts teacher should be honest and also guide you into understanding that the tools they are teaching you are dangerous and are used as a last resort, when really there is no choice.
Most importantly a good martial arts teacher should help you understand the importance of valuing your life, and your rights as a human being and the importance to protect yourself and your loved ones.
Finally if you are learning from an expert, they can progressively and carefully help you at a certain level to simulate and confront physically various situations that terrorize you which help you to confront and work through them progressively. This is however a very hard venture and I don’t know too many people who are qualified to bring their students on that level. Certain teachers believe they can handle it or teach it but many a time they base their training modules based on personal experience and opinion. So it’s a very tricky subject and sometimes it could have the reverse effect.
Instead of helping you through it, it could actually enhance and compound your level of fear.
I suggest that maybe one path is to seek a teacher who is teaching the police forces and see if they teach publicly as well. Many a time the teacher who teaches police or military forces, are very realistic and are approved by the department and even the psychologists who assist in the programs. Usually these teachers are very well versed in social and psychological behavior and also they are well versed with the law.
Take the time to find the right teacher; don’t fall for all the marketing jargon that’s out in the market, self defense is a serious thing and you deserve to learn from truly qualified people
Conclusion
Well that’s about it, as you see I have left the physical side of using martial arts as the last part of the article. I can only write and advise what I have personally lived or believe to be the best of what life has taught me.
I am sure that there are many other avenues which can be covered but I do wish to stress that before resolving to physical violence, think carefully about yourself, your family and the consequences of your actions. Do everything in your power to get the best help and advice. After all the legal system is there for a reason and we should make a go of it to make it work in our favor.
About the author
Paolo is a long time practitioner of martial arts, he started when he was 8 years old and has continued practicìng for over 37 years. For further information you can contact him on his email wingtchundo@hotmail.com but cannot always guarantee an answer as he has many emails coming in each day
